Entry No 12 :-

Entry No 12:-

It's been quite a while since I last felt I needed to write down how I feel, or express what my thoughts have been seeing these last few weeks. Honestly, to be fair, it's because things are going great.. Sure things have changed, friends have come and gone. Those that mattered have stayed constant, and I love them for it. University is coming along fine, I feel I am maintaining a strong work pattern and staying on top of my projects... Yet I do feel my overall motivation has been lacking to do stuff I find personally enjoyable. Perhaps it's because I'm trying to spread myself too thin... Trying to please everyone at once by devoting time to each of them- and for the most part, it's been good to let loose a little and simply enjoy the company of my boys, I missed our banter, I missed the companionship..

It's beginning to feel like I can find that elsewhere though, it's odd and I honestly never saw it coming but it seems like out of no-where. Some form of hope and ambition can be seen for the future... It's too early to tell if it'l ever come to fruition but the sheer fact it's there, bolstering my spirit and giving me something to wake up for in the morning is... Well it does wonders for a guys mind. I've been thinking of packing up and taking a trip to Denmark to revel in it, see where it might lead. I can't say for sure, but I can say it's looking like more and more of a possibility...

So, for those of you that do read this.. I can't say I'll always be consistent, but I can say I'll always be true. So there it is! My thoughts, happy and excited as they may be... Futures looking a little brighter these days.

Nevs,

Entry No 11:-

Entry No 11:-


Jealousy isn't a nice trait, its one im honestly not proud of in myself. It's something that just continues to build within me. I have no right to be jealous, nor any ground to stand of if acted upon.. Yet it simmers there just beneath the surface.

I'm running out of ideas to rid myself of the feeling, to get away from it all. Seems when it comes to something I want, some form of karmic justice comes along and snatches it away for good. I have no idea how I'll function down here, I don't care about mixing it up with the people I meet... Getting to know them more and building friendships from it, groups were never my thing. Yet I long for some kind of companionship. The more and more im stuck with my own thoughts, the more I see how honestly screwed up my own heads become.

Its easy to reflect back on things that have happened and how you would have handled it differently, sadly reality only leaves you with one chance. I feel like I've had a more than my fair share of opportunity.. I just lacked the sense to choose my decisions more wisely. Its something we all think about, and its always how we learn if we want to. Our mistakes determine our future, our successes determine how far our will, will carry us to make it better.

Entry no 10:-

Entry no 10:-

Today's my birthday.... I should be happy, my family came to see me. It was great, from the moment I saw them it filled me with joy. Something familiar in the dull day to day that's became normal. I heard of home, how my little bear was doing and plans of the future.

I feel lost though... More lost than ever before. I can't keep this up, I can't take it... This isn't me... I need to face the facts, I don't do well in this kind of environment. I'm on my own down here.. I don't feel the need to have to socialize. I don't feel the need to gain anyone's approval. Probably best if I keep to myself, it was the initial plan anyway..

Entry No 9:-

Entry No 9:-




To describe what I feel day in and day out, the simplest answer would be pain. It's not always in the physical sense either, sometimes I do I to myself. A thing such as my hand unable to stop shaking even though nothing physically pains it... It pushes me to dark places, anger, rage, sadness. They begin to blend into one and I find myself lost in the self deprivation that i cant seem to escape from.


Growing up I never felt normal .. But really what kid does? I hated that I was at the bottom of the pecking order, I hated being weak, hell i still do. But how can you continue to stand with pride, when your own body shuts down around you and brings you too your knees.


I always tried to one up everyone, no matter what it was. For a while it worked.. My bones were fresh, I felt like at the beginning I was never gonna feel as broken as I do now, never again. I started parkour, it kept me faster than everyone else and kept my mind sharp. Soon enough after months if not years of wracking my joints I turned to football... Joined a club, got pretty good. Managed to break into the amateur leagues, again it wasn't enough. I started fighting, even had the cuts and bruises to show for it and I loved it. Soon that too wasn't enough. I joined a Rugby team a while after.. I was playing with the big boys by this point, there was no denying I could take a hit or two but im no Goliath, David got put down... And Nevs wasn't getting back up. I lost something that day, whether it was a little bit of fight... That spark that kept me going, well that's what it feels like, maybe it was just pride..


All I can remember, each and every time I brought myself to that threshold of pain that honestly left me motionless in bed for days. I just kept thinking of why I would do it to myself, and I don't know. But I don't know if I could do it again.. And I don't know if that's weak either.


Honestly I don't know why I'm writing these words out either... I suppose its a brief insight into some aspect of my character. Those that see it will each take their own opinions I suppose... I wonder if my little Millie will have the stubborn will of her parents..

Entry No 8:-

Entry No 8:-



I've often lay up at night thinking, what A and B drove my to option C, and for the life of me I don't know. I find it hard beginning to fathom my feelings, whether they be simple or complex. I can enjoy something, I can even revel in the happiness it brings. I can feel sad, I can feel hurt. But when it comes to delving deeper and beginning to really understand where in my head Im at ... And why, its like a the roughest smog descends and im left stranded. Often further away than I was originally. I cant be the only one, so I know im no special case.. And I know if I ignore it, I'll forever be exactly where I am today.


I'm beginning to wonder if it'l ever end, I know I cant do it alone. Yet the choice of letting someone in simply angers me, its like a defence. Like an animal backed into a corner and the only way out is through those trying to help... Granted the hackles weren't raised this time, I merely just turned my back. As if the shadow of this corner protects me.



Perhaps it's been like this too long, maybe im just stuck. Not willing nor able to tear down the walls that I've built. Yet if this is so, why do I write these notions downs clear as day... I'm conflicted, and its incredibly tiresome. But if Millie one day reads these maybe she'll get to know her father a little more.

Entry No 7 :-

Entry No 7 :-

So, I've had a few days without any real motivation.. Any real spark that I can call my own intuition. I think that in itself is something worth talking about. What do you do, when you seem to be just going through the motions. What do you do when everything just seems like a blur around you. You wake up, you eat, you go to the gym, you come home, you sleep. It seem's we're so convinced that in these own little bubbles we create for ourselves that, that is the only place you truly feel content.

And it's just not the case, so here I am sitting here at twenty to two in the morning. With a sudden second wind of hope. Out of the constant of these past few days, something new appeared. I got a Skype call from my baby girl, granted, she's 8 months old the longest conversation we could hold was a giggle. However it seemed gave me a new little bit of hope, that everything will be alright. There's a lot I miss down here, there's a lot I wish I could change.

Maybe Chez is right, and I am lonely. It's not something I've ever really thought about at great length. Sure we can all go day to day, with socializing or not. We can find laughter in a groups company, and banter with random people we meet every day. I do, it's normal.. But, what I'm talking about when I say I may be lonely is different. At least as she puts it across... What do you do, when you suddenly feel like this is a possibility. How do you face a prospect that you're suddenly not happy and content with it just being you....


Nevs,

Entry No 6:-

Entry No 6:-

There's something to be said of brotherhood, of a true friend. It's something unspoken, something you can't easily find. I miss it, waking up every day, coming downstairs and looking my brother in the eye. Knowing whatever comes out way, good or bad. We would face it. Of course we had our arguments, our debates and our fights. But there's a love in that bond that keeps you on track, I miss my brothers back home. It's something rarely shown, but we each know it when we look at each other.

When you find friends like that, it's no longer a group of your peers. It's your family, it's something just a little bit more than words can describe. I wish that for my baby, I want her to feel the safety of that bond. The clarity that makes you feel like everything will be alright, and the unconditional love that comes with it.

Always remember Axios.. One little word can mean so much.

Something happened today... It was so simple, yet it held meaning. How the simple intimacy of a hug can bring two people to a stand still I'll never know. I know I need to take a back seat on this, anything other and I just couldn't make the same mistakes again.

There's a struggle you will face Millie, the emotions we feel don't shape us into the people we become, it's the choices that we make when faced with the barrage of emotions. They are what make you who you are, and even hard decisions tough as they seem. Offer some serenity in what is more often than not your heart. I know one thing baby bear, as much as my heart struggles in the chaos of this typhoon. You are true north, and you always will be. You will be the one that guides my weary soul home and I can only thank you by letting you know I love you every day.


Nevs.