Entry No 9:-

Entry No 9:-




To describe what I feel day in and day out, the simplest answer would be pain. It's not always in the physical sense either, sometimes I do I to myself. A thing such as my hand unable to stop shaking even though nothing physically pains it... It pushes me to dark places, anger, rage, sadness. They begin to blend into one and I find myself lost in the self deprivation that i cant seem to escape from.


Growing up I never felt normal .. But really what kid does? I hated that I was at the bottom of the pecking order, I hated being weak, hell i still do. But how can you continue to stand with pride, when your own body shuts down around you and brings you too your knees.


I always tried to one up everyone, no matter what it was. For a while it worked.. My bones were fresh, I felt like at the beginning I was never gonna feel as broken as I do now, never again. I started parkour, it kept me faster than everyone else and kept my mind sharp. Soon enough after months if not years of wracking my joints I turned to football... Joined a club, got pretty good. Managed to break into the amateur leagues, again it wasn't enough. I started fighting, even had the cuts and bruises to show for it and I loved it. Soon that too wasn't enough. I joined a Rugby team a while after.. I was playing with the big boys by this point, there was no denying I could take a hit or two but im no Goliath, David got put down... And Nevs wasn't getting back up. I lost something that day, whether it was a little bit of fight... That spark that kept me going, well that's what it feels like, maybe it was just pride..


All I can remember, each and every time I brought myself to that threshold of pain that honestly left me motionless in bed for days. I just kept thinking of why I would do it to myself, and I don't know. But I don't know if I could do it again.. And I don't know if that's weak either.


Honestly I don't know why I'm writing these words out either... I suppose its a brief insight into some aspect of my character. Those that see it will each take their own opinions I suppose... I wonder if my little Millie will have the stubborn will of her parents..